The Child Abuse Blog Post

Interesting evening last night.  Logan is on a huge Michael Jackson kick, so I rented a DVD of the TV miniseries "The Jacksons, An American Dream".

Michael Jackson is a bit of a delicate topic, in my opinion.  So, as I describe his talent and drive in the most glowing terms possible, I also point out that Michael was an absolute mess.  Logan asks why, and I point out that at least some of it can be traced back to an abusive childhood.  His Dad was just plain mean.

Although it appears to have stopped short of coming to blows, his father clearly believed in whipping the boys with a switch and in a scene or two, things degenerate into a shoving match.

Later, in a scene in Friday Night Lights, one of the parents of a High School student strikes his son several times.

I also heard an absolutely heart-wrenching account on "This American Life" by a man who had been molested as a child.  Actually, "molested" is putting it too mildly.  He was just flat-out raped.

One of the tools his rapist used was telling him that if he told his parents that his parents would be angry with the child, or somesuch. 

So, there are two things I wanted my son to know.

The first was that nobody is allowed to hurt him.

I said it to him in those words.  "Nobody is allowed to hurt you, Logan.  Nobody is allowed to punch you or harm you in any way.  If anybody says they're going to hurt you, find an adult and have them contact me right away."

The second is something that's going to take some subtlety to let him know.  I want him to know that he can always come to me, with anything.  When he's a teenager, I want him to know that I draw a hard line about driving if he's been drinking, or getting into a car with somebody who has been drinking.  However, hand-in-hand with that, I need him to know he can call me at any hour, day or night, and I'll come get him.

Yeah, I'd rather he didn't drink, and I'd really rather he didn't drink to excess.  However, that desire is much smaller than my desire that he not place his life, or the lives of others, in jeopardy.

If anybody tried to hurt him, I'd want him to know that no matter what they say, that he can always come to me afterwards. 

Kids are, by nature, naive and easily manipulated.  I just need to make sure that he knows that the real perspective on this is: heaven help anybody foolish enough to **** with my child.  I haven't spent this much of my life gaining proficiency with weaponry to sit back and let somebody hurt my boy.

He said, "Dad, you told me it's okay for me to defend myself if somebody attacks me."

Yes, son.  That's if the kid is about your size.  But if they're a lot bigger, you run and get an adult and tell them to call me.

I had to tell him a little bit about bullies a bit earlier than I would have liked to because we used to have a neighbor who was more than a little bit violent.  Unfortunately, a different neighbor kid was smaller in stature than the bully and the bully used to pick on him.  It resulted in me having a very short fuse with the bully and sending him home almost every time he came over to play.

The kids were young back then.  Logan was maybe 4, and the bully was about 5.  However, I told him, "Logan if X ever hits you, you punch him in the face as hard as you possibly can.  You do whatever you have to do to hurt him."

Logan said, "I will, Dad."

I said, "he may still punch you, but you have to hit him hard."

When I said that, it sort of scared Logan.  He was too young to want to be punched.

The reality in that case, though, is that a bully doesn't want somebody who is going to fight back, even if the bully can take him.  If some kid bloodies the bully's nose, he will find somebody else to pick on next time.

(As an aside, my concerns were probably not very well founded.  I remember one day when the bully kid and is brother came over to play.  I eventually heard he and Logan screaming at each other and the bully left the house, all angry.

I asked what in the world happened and the brother said, "Logan punched him in the head."

I said, "Logan get up here, what in the world is going on?"
The brother said, "They were boxing".

Apparently, they found some of my old sparring gear and were boxing.  The neighbor bully left when Logan caught him with a good one.)

With genuine child abuse, though, or a bully that's entirely too old for Logan to handle, there's nothing he can do to help the situation.  He needs to call a parent. 

I don't believe in corporal punishment.  I didn't oppose it until Logan was born and it became obvious to me that there were so many other ways to handle discipline that smacking a little kid just wasn't necessary. 

If I'm not going to lay a hand on my kid, nobody else is allowed to either.  I just want to make sure he's got that clear in his mind, too.  It's just never okay to physically harm a child, and he needs to know that he's entitled to that protection.