Time

It is amazing how the perception of the passage of time changes in a person's lifetime.  I can still remember being a grade-schooler waiting for Christmas day.  One week felt like an eternity.  As time goes on, it passes more and more quickly.

When you are a kid, your life stretches out in an incomprehensibly long trail before you.  Time is everywhere.  It is mostly an obstacle.  Time stands in the way of what you want.  It makes you wait to graduate high school, to graduate college, to get out of the military.

Eventually, though, time becomes precious.  You realize that there are more years behind you than ahead.  You wish time could slow down.  You now know that time isn't the obstacle to the things you want.  Time becomes the thing you want.

2014 will be the year my son turns 13 and starts 8th grade, his final year before High School.  He's mostly a young man these days.  No longer a little boy.  Time set that table, and then cleared it away.  I know how quickly 2 or 3 or 4 years can pass.  Soon, he'll be out of High School and one way or another, independent and making his way in the world.  I can help if I want, but so, so soon, my incredible time watching a boy grow into a man will be over.  Now that I've seen so many years, I know that each year will continually pass faster and faster.

I actually don't look forward to the day he's grown.  I know he'll be a fine man.  I hope things work out so that I'll have grandchildren to play with.  I hope my life will be such that I can be an active part of their lives.  But it will never feel exactly like this again.

So, I remind myself that each thing has its season.  You can't stop and linger at the parts you like the most.  The best you can do is appreciate things as they come.

A few years ago, I started on a road that I knew was going to be unpleasant for a few years.  2012 was the start of my great depression.  A depression emotionally and financially.  Life ebbs and flows.  I was riding high from 2007 to 2009.  But the downstroke was really, really bad.  It has lasted a long, long time.

2014 things will start to get better.  Barring any unforeseeable calamities, it should be the start of building something great with what's left of my life.  I'll be able to buy a nice house and drive nice cars again, eventually.  2015 should be great.

So, in a way, 2014 is like the last of the bad years.  Things will be getting better, but only relative to a pretty deep hole.  I need to think of this in the same way I thought of my last year before graduating college, or my last year before getting out of the Army.  I need to fill it with the optimism that comes with knowing that you did a drawn-out, challenging thing.

Often, those things that seemed so excruciating when you were going through them provide the most pleasant memories later.  I do have joy in my life.  Mostly around my son.

He's one of the most athletic kids in his grade, despite being one of the youngest.  More importantly, I'm proud of the fine young man he is.  He has strong, positive character.  I worry about him like any parent would, but he has the tools to go far in life.  He gives every indication that he'll make good use of his potential.

So, I find myself torn.  Torn between wanting 2014 to end quickly, because it represents the last of the dues I need to pay for my most recent setbacks.  Also, torn because I just don't have that many years left with my son as a young man before he is, simply, a full grown man.

In the end, things aren't good or bad because I decide they should be.  I can alter the way I look at things, but most things are pretty far outside my control.  And time doesn't pass quickly or slowly based on my desires.  It passes as it passes.

So, while I'm paying the last of my dues (for now) and looking forward to a better 2015, I will try as much as possible, to enjoy the time as it passes.

Now, on more mundane notes:

1.  I think next Winter, if I'm in Ohio, I'm going to take the 2 weeks around Christmas off.  Logan is off from school, and I may see if there's any way I can work a week in Phoenix in there.  That was a fun thing to do last year.  It'd be nice to ring in the New Year with my family out there.  Plus, lord knows the weather is a really, really welcome break.  Not sure if I'll make it a ski vacation or not, but we'll see.

2.  I'm not big on New Year's resolutions because, frankly, they're a cliche.  You promise you'll do better on a number of things and by February, you discover you're the same person you always were.  But I do believe in trying to be better.  I do believe that sometimes you just have to commit to making a change.  So, my ONE resolution this year is oatmeal.  I'm going to keep oatmeal at work and instead of eating McDonald's or bagels from the bagel shop, I'm going to eat oatmeal for breakfast.

3.  I won't know for a few months, but I may have the chance to do some job-related travel in 2014.  Sort of a complicated topic, but I really, really want to do this.  It's hard to think about much else at the moment.

4.  As some of you may know, I was accepted to a code bootcamp in San Francisco last year.  However, I decided to ride out the government job just a little longer.  I still don't know which direction my life will take.  I just believe in investing in yourself.  Probably always, but now more than ever, your only job security is the investments you make in your skills.  Government work is pretty steady and secure, but nothing is a certainty and the applications development job market is pretty crazy in a few parts of the country.  If the economy heats up, things could get sorta nutso.  When I will go, or even ultimately if I'll go are still up in the air.  But I've got that on the back burner.

5.  2015 is the year when I should be able to decisively turn the tide.  So, despite the fact that all time is precious, I hope I can be forgiven for looking past 2014 to some degree.