The Keys to Perfect Parenting

Okay, I have to admit, the title is a loss-leader.  I don't know the keys to perfect parenting.  I also don't think anybody else does, either.  Anybody claiming to be able to impart that sort of flawless wisdom is probably trying to make a fast buck at the expense of some naive and desperate people. 

However, like most parents, I want to be a good parent.  Most parents I know take their responsibilities very, very seriously.  If I thought it were possible to be a perfect parent, that's what I'd want to do.

My son is the closest connection I could have with immortality.  If things play out according to the natural order, he will be here long after I'm gone.  If I've done my job correctly, the lessons I passed to him will be passed on to his kids and so on.

I worry about my son.  It's difficult to squeeze an entire human being's existence into a neat little box.  Just as you think you've got a kid figured out, he grows and changes and you're presented with a new set of challenges.  Even when the kid is as young as my son:  only 8 years old, they are fabulously complex little beings.

The big thing in our lives right now is travel baseball.  That's a new experience for both of us.  I have to admit, I was very proud when he made the team after two days of tryouts.  I was never much of a baseball player.  My two years of Little League were probably two years too many.  Still, baseball is something my son has always loved.  From the time he could walk, if there was a ball around, he would throw it. 

At 3 years old, he would throw a tennis ball against the front door and practice catching it every night.  Sometimes for an hour or more.  You just don't see that sort of focus from a 3 year old.

At 4, when he had his first real baseball glove, he'd throw wiffle balls against the same door and work on catching with his glove, over and over and over again. 

He would set up imaginary bases in the living room and tell his mother, "Mom, the Indians are playing the Yankess and I'm up to bat!" 

Nobody ever pushed him to any of this.  If environment were the deciding factor in developing a kids' loves in life, he'd be a piano player right now.  Our house was always full of guitars, drums, keyboards.  We had PA systems and recording studios for every minute of his lifetime.  He just never really took to it.

He just loves sports, and baseball most of all.

So, here's where the parenting stuff comes in.  On the one hand, a responsible parent has an obligation to steer their kids into productive and positive activities.  On the other hand, you have to try to walk that line between doing what's good for the kid, and going overboard on trying to shape them into something they may not want to be.

As an example:  letting a kid play baseball?  Good.

Forcing a kid to play baseball when they'd rather not?  Not good.

When Logan tried out for Mavericks, I not only had to take into account that he loved baseball, but I also had to consider whether this would be a positive activity for him.  Would it be too much?  Would it be too stressful? 

The fact that he wants to do it?  Yeah, that's a big factor, but it's not the only one.  Being a parent means sometimes not-letting your kid do things they may fully want to do. 

Last night, Logan came to talk to me.  I am pretty amazed at the depth of the conversation we had, considering he's 8.  He was clearly bothered by something.

The first thing he wanted to talk about was really sort of interesting for me.  Logan plays baseball in the front yard.  Not actual baseball. He takes a bat of some sort, and a ball of some sort, and hits and runs bases.  He'll do this for hours to entertain himself. 

Now, being the busybody Dad I am, I've tried at different times to make the activity more productive for him.  For instance, I suggested he use his narrow bat.  (They make training bats that are much narrower than a normal bat to improve hand-eye coordination.)  I've suggested he use foam mini-balls.

I don't MAKE him do anything, really.  It's mostly free-play.  However, I'll suggest things here and there.  Sometimes he does what I'm suggesting.  Sometimes he doesn't.

There were also times in the past when I'd see him out front playing his little games and think, "I should be out there, somehow.  Poor kid, out there with nobody to play with."  When I would, he'd indulge me for a few minutes, then make it clear that it would be okay if I went back into the house.

Yesterday, he said he had lost one of his tennis balls.  I told him no problem.  It'd turn up, or I'd just pick him up some more next time I'm at a store that sells them.  I tossed him a couple of the foam mini-balls to use.  He didn't need them.  He still had one tennis ball left.

So, later, he could barely bring himself to say, "Dad, when I play baseball in the front yard, that's my fun-time for baseball.  Mavericks is my serious time."

The more he spoke, the more it became clear that what he wanted was just to have fun running around in the front yard.  He didn't want me to make it a meaningful training activity.  He didn't want me suggesting that he hit a different type of ball, or use a different type of bat. 

Fair enough.  Obviously, I meant no harm.  And we're talking about interactions that lasted probably less than a minute and that happened, at most, about once every 3 or 4 weeks.  However, he was making a reasonable request and I felt that I should honor it. 

Logan is a very cooperative and obedient child.  If there were ever a little boy with no serious behavioral issues, it's him.  To this day, I still marvel at how easy it is to get him to do the things he should be doing.  You tell him once and that's it.  It was that way, even when he was too young to be verbal.  His grandmother noted that even as a toddler, he was like his mother:  if he was doing something he shouldn't, you told him once and that was all it took.

So, I think, to Logan, when I would get in there and say, "try this", if he didn't really want to try it, it caused some internal conflict for him.  I'm his Dad and I think part of him was saying, "We should do what Dad wants".  Even though he didn't have to, it was enough to create a little dissonance within him. 

Easy fix on this one.  Let the kid play.  He doesn't want or need my involvement. 

Now, on to second issue.  (Yes, the conversation was really this long, had this many issues and he really did bring these things up.)

Logan does miss his friends.  He was a day-care kid from an early age and formed a lot of friendships with a lot of other kids in his class.  There are a couple, especially, that he sees a lot less of, now that baseball is in full swing. 

One of them has really been giving Logan a hard time about Mavericks.  He tells Logan that Mavericks take up too much of his time.  He tells Logan that his rec team could beat the Mavericks. 

At first, I would tell Logan that the kid was being a little crazy.  The rec teams have a lot of good players, but honestly, they're at least 3 or 4 years behind the level of ball Logan is playing in travel.  I told him maybe the kid was a little jealous. 

Now, I think there's more to it.  Maybe the kid resents the Mavericks because he feels like they're taking his buddy away. 

Logan said that he wishes he could play on a rec team with the two kids who I would say are his best friends. 

I told him that once this season is over, he doesn't have to try out for Mavericks next year.  If he wants to play rec league next year, that's fine. 

He was clearly relieved about that. 

However, I pointed out some realities about playing rec ball.

The first is that, sorry, I don't mean to offend anybody here, but the rec teams are really terrible.  22 of the best players in the district are now playing travel baseball for the district's sponsored travel teams.  Throw in that a handful play for travel teams not sponsored by the rec district, and the number is probably closer to 35 or 40. 

The layers that are left?  There are a few who are good players.  The rest are players who either aren't very good, or who have developmental issues.  I'm not trying to be cruel, here, but Logan playing rec would be pretty much like him playing against travel teams of 6 year olds. 

Last year in rec, he had a game where he went 4 for 4 with 2 home runs.  That was BEFORE the travel teams took most of the good players out of the league. 

Yeah, he would probably get an ego-boost by hitting 3 home runs per game and being the star everything on the team, but it would do next to nothing for his development as a baseball player.

I'm not trying to be cruel to the kids playing rec.  As I've said, there are some good players in there.  Trouble is, they're outnumbered by about 8 to 1 with kids who just can't play baseball very well.

So, I pointed out to Logan the following realities about playing rec.

1.  There are 2 rec teams for Logan's school.  It is nearly impossible that Logan and his 2 buddies would end up on the same team by luck of the draw.

2.  One of his 2 buddies has said he's going to try out for Mavericks next year.  (He didn't try out last year.)  If he makes the Mavs and Logan is playing rec, he still won't get to be on a team with the kid.

3.  Logan could very well end up on a team with neither of his friends, and the team could really, really be a very bad team.  Baseball is a dismal game to play when your team can't get outs, you're baking in the sun while the other team bats over and over and over again, and when your turn comes up to bat, you go down 1, 2, 3 every inning. 

So, yeah, the idea of playing in a league where he'd be a big bad stud has some appeal at a quick glance, but it could very well turn into a nightmare. 

Again, I emphasized that he had a choice here.  He said, "Well, now I'm thinking I want to play Mavericks."

I told him that right now is way too soon to make that decision.  He has a lot of time to decide.  Tryouts aren't until August and we're not even halfway through the Mavericks season, yet.  I told him that he really should reserve judgement until after the season is over.  There is no need for him to make that decision right now.

If he plays rec, that's fine with me.  Personally, I think it'll be a self-correcting problem.  He could play rec for a year, realize he's miserable, and then he'll go back to Mavs the next year.  I can see this happening.  At this age, he's got good fundamentals and good athleticism.  Playing rec would free up time where I could send him to some clinics to make up for the stuff he's not getting, coaching-wise. 

The only other aspect of this is that he has one friend in particular who is really badmouthing the whole Mavericks thing.  I think part of it is jealously.  I think part of it is that he misses Logan.  However, the reality is that this is a case where one friend may inadvertently be trying to hold Logan back.  Yeah, Logan may not mind being held back, but at 8 years old, he doesn't realize that his friends won't hold themselves back for him.  It's misplaced loyalty to hold himself back for them.

Still, if he played rec., it would also free up time to learn other activities.  Heck, I'm glad he's playing baseball, but honestly, I'd rather have the time for him to learn golf.  He could still play a High School sport and he would have something that could be an active part of his life beyond High School. 

So, I just don't have a lot of worries about this one.  One way or another, I think things will work out just fine.
Mostly, I think he was relieved to hear that he had a choice, here, and that he wasn't trapped. 

The third topic he brought up did require some action on my part, though.  He said that the combination of school and baseball has got him a little worn down.  I understand and had worried about that. 

The first problem is his bedtime.  His mother and I have fought like cats and dogs about this for as long as Logan has been alive.  I think a reasonable bedtime for him would be about 9:00.  She thinks a reasonable bedtime is about 10:00 to 10:30.  We have had absolute knock-down, drag-out fights over this over the years.  If I push the issue, and am willing to risk another knock-down drag-out fight, I can try to get his bedtime routine started at 9:30, which means he might get to bed at 9:50.

I think that if you have to wake your kid up out of a dead sleep to get them to school, they're not getting enough sleep.  I'm not about to raise my kid by consensus, but the vast majority of kids Logan's age have a bed-time between 8:30 and 9:00. 

So, I think the lack of sleep, in a kid, just like in an adult, is creating stress for him.  Just like with grownups, it keeps you from handling things well.  It makes little things seem bigger than they really are.

The other thing is, frankly, I agree with him that the practice schedule for the baseball team has been a bit overboard.  We started practice back in September, took maybe a month off in December, than started up again in January.

On the one hand, that's awesome as far as developing skills.  However, this isn't the 1970s soviet union.  We don't need to identify our athletes at a young age and feed them a constant diet of one sport until they are honed into the ultimate international competitors.

So, I'm going to make a point of letting Logan miss the optional practices.  We have maybe one practice a week that's optional.  We've been busting our butts to get to them, but when we've got 2 or 3 games and 1 or 2 regular practices in a typical week, that's just too much while school is in session.

Also, if he plays Mavs next year, I'm going to campaign hard for them not to do the Fall practices.  If they're optional, we won't attend.  I think that's just too much and doesn't really have that much impact on how they play in the Spring.  Whether they start in the Fall or Spring, they'll play just as well once the season rolls around.  The Fall practices are just leading to burnout. 

Logan has only had about 1 or 2 months off from baseball since this time last year.  He loves baseball, but he's also 8 years old.  I don't want to wear him out.

So, here I am trying to nurture and foster a kid's love of the game, while trying to keep him from getting stressed out at both sports and school. 

Granted, in the grand scheme of things, this is small potatoes.  It's not really a "problem" per se.  Just something I have to figure out and deal with.  Like most things with parenting, I'll have the perfect answer some years in the future when it's too late to use it. 

I just want my boy to be happy.  I told him how proud I was of him for bringing these things up last night.  It was very hard for him and each issue, he told me through tears.  He was afraid I'd be angry.  It took a lot for him to muster the courage to bring these topics up. 

Which is a good reminder that he's a sensitive young man who is still only 8 years old.  I do wonder if there were a sport he could excel in, that's fun to practice on your own.  I honestly can't think of any... okay, other than cup stacking.