Weight: 194. (Yikes! A little more weight gain than I wanted, but nothing I can't work with.)
Breakfast:
500 mg. Vitamin C.
1000 mg. Fish Oil.
Centrum Multivitamin.
Orange Juice
3 eggs
5 strips turkey bacon
Coffee
Workout today? Run 2 miles on treadmill at Planet Fitness. 50 kettlebell swings.
Multiple workouts in a day have always worked for me. I have heard people give various theories on this. That it amps up your metabolism. Who knows. Maybe it does.
I usually shoot for multiple workouts during my normal days. One at lunch and one after work. (Usually weights at lunch and run or cardio after.) I don't do this on fencing nights, but fencing is a workout, too. I sweat a lot during fencing. I'm probably getting some fitness benefit from it.
So, that's the plan for today. Also, diet-wise, not much of a plan. Just trying to keep total carb count below 100 grams for the day. During December, that was just going to be flat-out impossible. I wasn't even going to try. But time to get back on it.
I'll check in at the end of the day to report how the actual went against the plan.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Fit at 50... First Edition
January first has finally rolled around. It's 2015. I honestly don't fully feel like I know how I got here. Yet, here I am.
A year is enough time to change your entire life. I've seen it. I've experienced it. More than once. This year is especially significant since I roll over the 50 mark. Yes, my god, I am that old.
2014 was a transformative year for me. It started like the years before. I was slogging my way through a joyless life. Halfway through the year, I met a person who resonated with me on every wavelength. One thing led to another and by August, I was unrecognizable relative to who I had been in June.
It wasn't that this person pushed me, or encouraged me, or told me I needed to change in any way. They woke me up, though, to who I had been, and to who I was.
The changes were all over, but most noticeably in the area of fitness. Thanks to a workout routine that included free weights, 5 and 6 mile runs and low carb diet, I dropped from about 210 to around 185.
That's roughly where I am, today, though I've probably gained some of the weight back. I gave myself December off. Previous endurance training has given me the belief that you need periodic downtime for your mental and physical well-being. Bodies get beat-up. Hairline fractures start developing. Ligaments and tendonds get strained. Mentally, folks start getting worn down.
December is now officially over. 2015 has begun. In 2014, I was very close to some of the best shape I've ever been in. My bloodwork was phenomenal and I had six pack abs that I would show anybody who wouldn't run away covering their eyes.
I think there's another level beyond that and I think I can hit it in 2015. So, here is what I will be
working on this year:
1. Shoulders, arms, glutes: working on muscling up a little bit. Especially glutes so I don't end up with flabby, flat, old man ass. This is particularly a concern for me since, thanks to my Asian ancestry, I'm gleutially challenged anyway.
2. Abs: I feel like I got these just about right in 2014, but will be working on core strength with a wider variety of exercises in 2015. The bulk of what I've been doing is incline board at several settings, 20 reps per setting, 5 settings, for a total of 100 reps. I do this several times per week. This year, I'll start adding weight to the reps and doing other exercises that hit obliques, etc. and jumbling up the ab exercises with various other routines now and then.
3. Rower and stepper: love both these machines and need to do more of them for overall fitness and cardio, as well as muscle definition in quads, glutes and back.
The rest? I'll be working on definition. Just keeping the weight down, keeping the muscles toned and trying to get them ripped.
Pretty much I'll be doing exactly what I did in 2014... just more of it.
In the low 180s, my body fat was pretty low. I'll be happy to hit that again, but my goal is probably something in the mid 170s. We'll see. Not terribly concerned about the scale, honestly. I'll know when my body fat is where I want it to be. I can see it, feel it, and notice it as I move about.
I have signed up for the Air Force marathon. Though it would benefit me to go into it with as little upper body weight as possible, I'm not in this to win a marathon or even to run one very fast. I'm just not that fast. I'm in it for my overall health and appearance. So, I'll sacrifice a few seconds per mile to carry that extra upper body weight for the race.
Goal for the marathon is simply to complete all my scheduled 20 milers and finish the marathon. Time goal? Don't really have one, but if I had to put a number to it, I'd say a finish in 4:30 or less is just fine with me.
Also, although I'm not much of an athlete, I do have an athletic goal in mind. Now that I have taken up fencing, I want my physical training routine to at least compliment my fencing without detracting.
I'll be posting workout info to facebook and am contemplating some shirtless selfies to show my progress. Nothing like the spectre of public humiliation to aid in achieving a fitness goal. I added a little weight in December, and have the start of a belly. Might do it, might not... I am afraid that a lot of folks just don't want to see some pasty old guy without his shirt when they open their facebook news feed. We'll see... jury is out on that one.
But I will be at least staying in shape and trying to take this to the next level. 2014, of all things, I ended up really amping up my fitness. There's another level beyond that and I think I can hit it. I'll keep you posted as I go.
A year is enough time to change your entire life. I've seen it. I've experienced it. More than once. This year is especially significant since I roll over the 50 mark. Yes, my god, I am that old.
2014 was a transformative year for me. It started like the years before. I was slogging my way through a joyless life. Halfway through the year, I met a person who resonated with me on every wavelength. One thing led to another and by August, I was unrecognizable relative to who I had been in June.
It wasn't that this person pushed me, or encouraged me, or told me I needed to change in any way. They woke me up, though, to who I had been, and to who I was.
The changes were all over, but most noticeably in the area of fitness. Thanks to a workout routine that included free weights, 5 and 6 mile runs and low carb diet, I dropped from about 210 to around 185.
That's roughly where I am, today, though I've probably gained some of the weight back. I gave myself December off. Previous endurance training has given me the belief that you need periodic downtime for your mental and physical well-being. Bodies get beat-up. Hairline fractures start developing. Ligaments and tendonds get strained. Mentally, folks start getting worn down.
December is now officially over. 2015 has begun. In 2014, I was very close to some of the best shape I've ever been in. My bloodwork was phenomenal and I had six pack abs that I would show anybody who wouldn't run away covering their eyes.
I think there's another level beyond that and I think I can hit it in 2015. So, here is what I will be
working on this year:
1. Shoulders, arms, glutes: working on muscling up a little bit. Especially glutes so I don't end up with flabby, flat, old man ass. This is particularly a concern for me since, thanks to my Asian ancestry, I'm gleutially challenged anyway.
2. Abs: I feel like I got these just about right in 2014, but will be working on core strength with a wider variety of exercises in 2015. The bulk of what I've been doing is incline board at several settings, 20 reps per setting, 5 settings, for a total of 100 reps. I do this several times per week. This year, I'll start adding weight to the reps and doing other exercises that hit obliques, etc. and jumbling up the ab exercises with various other routines now and then.
3. Rower and stepper: love both these machines and need to do more of them for overall fitness and cardio, as well as muscle definition in quads, glutes and back.
The rest? I'll be working on definition. Just keeping the weight down, keeping the muscles toned and trying to get them ripped.
Pretty much I'll be doing exactly what I did in 2014... just more of it.
In the low 180s, my body fat was pretty low. I'll be happy to hit that again, but my goal is probably something in the mid 170s. We'll see. Not terribly concerned about the scale, honestly. I'll know when my body fat is where I want it to be. I can see it, feel it, and notice it as I move about.
I have signed up for the Air Force marathon. Though it would benefit me to go into it with as little upper body weight as possible, I'm not in this to win a marathon or even to run one very fast. I'm just not that fast. I'm in it for my overall health and appearance. So, I'll sacrifice a few seconds per mile to carry that extra upper body weight for the race.
Goal for the marathon is simply to complete all my scheduled 20 milers and finish the marathon. Time goal? Don't really have one, but if I had to put a number to it, I'd say a finish in 4:30 or less is just fine with me.
Also, although I'm not much of an athlete, I do have an athletic goal in mind. Now that I have taken up fencing, I want my physical training routine to at least compliment my fencing without detracting.
I'll be posting workout info to facebook and am contemplating some shirtless selfies to show my progress. Nothing like the spectre of public humiliation to aid in achieving a fitness goal. I added a little weight in December, and have the start of a belly. Might do it, might not... I am afraid that a lot of folks just don't want to see some pasty old guy without his shirt when they open their facebook news feed. We'll see... jury is out on that one.
But I will be at least staying in shape and trying to take this to the next level. 2014, of all things, I ended up really amping up my fitness. There's another level beyond that and I think I can hit it. I'll keep you posted as I go.
Saturday, December 27, 2014
Bring on the New Year! 2015 on the way!
Time for New Year's resolutions and here are mine:
1. Stay in shape.
2. Stay debt free.
3. Run a marathon.
4. Play more music.
5. Get a rating in fencing.
6. New job / home / both.
Staying in shape is a pretty modest goal, but I made a lot of progress on fitness this past year. I'd like to keep it. Putting numbers to it, I'd like to keep my weight below 190, with regular workouts. Diet is always problematic for me because of all the time I spend on the road, but as much as possible, I'll try to avoid eating junk. Or at least eat more intelligent junk. If I end 2015 below 190, I'll be pretty happy with this one. My bloodwork is phenomenal and my health is the best it's been in over a decade. I need to keep this up.
Staying debt free should be a little easier. I rent my condo, and will probably rent anyplace I live. So, there's no real need to even have mortgage debt for the time being. The trick will be to avoid buying too many toys. (Or avoid buying toys at all... I don't have time for all the toys I already have.) This is one of those goals that is really just maintaining what I already have, but it will take mindfulness and effort.
Sort of hand-in-hand with staying in shape, I'll be training for a marathon this year. I won't have a time goal. (Though, probably something in the neighborhood of 4:15 to 4:30 is realistic.) One of the reasons 2014 was so awesome fitness-wise is that I have been able to run pain-free for the first time in years and years. So, I'll celebrate that by lacing up the trainers and putting down some real mileage. I have no goals related to running speed at the moment. If this plays out like it did last time I got sorta serious about running, I'll get a big speed bump after my marathon recovery. So, if I have any speed-related goals, they'll need to wait until 2016.
My life has been covered by a veil of general yuckiness since 2012, but that veil is lifting. It's mostly gone at this point. I always feel better when I exercise and play music. So, I need to start playing more music. I'll be setting up my piano and playing a bit here and there. I don't know that I'll perform or record, but I at least want to be regularly playing, now. Maybe 2016, I'll have a recording or performing goal.
I picked up one new hobby in 2015: fencing. I absolutely love it. Started in very late July with some classes at a local community center. I've fenced in half a dozen tournaments this year. If you do well enough in certain types of tournaments, you can get "rated". At this point, I'm rated "u" or unrated. Meaning I haven't achieved anything rating-wise. Sometime in 2016, I'd like to see if I can do well enough in a tournament to get an E in my weapon of choice: epee. Fencing has been a blast and I've been looking for a sport. I guess running is a sport, but this one is a lot of fun in a way that running really isn't. Haha! (Never particularly loved running... I just love everything about running other than the running, itself.)
Lastly, I'll have to make a change this year. I'm hoping to find a job closer to home (Toledo), or if not, then a job closer to family or friends (Dallas, Cleveland or Phoenix.) If I can't do any of those things, I'll be moving down near to Dayton so I can have a more normal semblance of a life. Driving from Toledo to Dayton and paying for hotels has been draining in every imaginable way. I can't really keep it up much longer. Of course, this means I'll have my son for half the Summer, instead of for every other weekend. It's not really better or worse, near as I can figure. It's just a different challenge.
2014 was a great year for me. I'm happier in so many ways. I've met a ton of great people. Had some fantastic experiences. Got in shape. Picked up a new hobby. It was just super all the way around. If I make the same sort of progress in 2015, I'll be pretty darned happy.
Really, my life is mostly back on track, except for two very important things. I don't live close to my son, so I still spend less time with him than I did before my life cratered in 2012. He graduates High School in 2019. I have only so many years with him. So, I want to make the most of it. The clock is ticking on this one and when he graduates High School and is off to college, this chance will have passed. All I can do is continue to do the best I can. Forgive myself for what I can't, and just keep moving forward.
Career-wise, I'm very happy for my job. I love it and am lucky to have it. However, I'm nowhere near where I was, either professionally, or when I owned my own business. That's a work in process.
1. Stay in shape.
2. Stay debt free.
3. Run a marathon.
4. Play more music.
5. Get a rating in fencing.
6. New job / home / both.
Staying in shape is a pretty modest goal, but I made a lot of progress on fitness this past year. I'd like to keep it. Putting numbers to it, I'd like to keep my weight below 190, with regular workouts. Diet is always problematic for me because of all the time I spend on the road, but as much as possible, I'll try to avoid eating junk. Or at least eat more intelligent junk. If I end 2015 below 190, I'll be pretty happy with this one. My bloodwork is phenomenal and my health is the best it's been in over a decade. I need to keep this up.
Staying debt free should be a little easier. I rent my condo, and will probably rent anyplace I live. So, there's no real need to even have mortgage debt for the time being. The trick will be to avoid buying too many toys. (Or avoid buying toys at all... I don't have time for all the toys I already have.) This is one of those goals that is really just maintaining what I already have, but it will take mindfulness and effort.
Sort of hand-in-hand with staying in shape, I'll be training for a marathon this year. I won't have a time goal. (Though, probably something in the neighborhood of 4:15 to 4:30 is realistic.) One of the reasons 2014 was so awesome fitness-wise is that I have been able to run pain-free for the first time in years and years. So, I'll celebrate that by lacing up the trainers and putting down some real mileage. I have no goals related to running speed at the moment. If this plays out like it did last time I got sorta serious about running, I'll get a big speed bump after my marathon recovery. So, if I have any speed-related goals, they'll need to wait until 2016.
My life has been covered by a veil of general yuckiness since 2012, but that veil is lifting. It's mostly gone at this point. I always feel better when I exercise and play music. So, I need to start playing more music. I'll be setting up my piano and playing a bit here and there. I don't know that I'll perform or record, but I at least want to be regularly playing, now. Maybe 2016, I'll have a recording or performing goal.
I picked up one new hobby in 2015: fencing. I absolutely love it. Started in very late July with some classes at a local community center. I've fenced in half a dozen tournaments this year. If you do well enough in certain types of tournaments, you can get "rated". At this point, I'm rated "u" or unrated. Meaning I haven't achieved anything rating-wise. Sometime in 2016, I'd like to see if I can do well enough in a tournament to get an E in my weapon of choice: epee. Fencing has been a blast and I've been looking for a sport. I guess running is a sport, but this one is a lot of fun in a way that running really isn't. Haha! (Never particularly loved running... I just love everything about running other than the running, itself.)
Lastly, I'll have to make a change this year. I'm hoping to find a job closer to home (Toledo), or if not, then a job closer to family or friends (Dallas, Cleveland or Phoenix.) If I can't do any of those things, I'll be moving down near to Dayton so I can have a more normal semblance of a life. Driving from Toledo to Dayton and paying for hotels has been draining in every imaginable way. I can't really keep it up much longer. Of course, this means I'll have my son for half the Summer, instead of for every other weekend. It's not really better or worse, near as I can figure. It's just a different challenge.
2014 was a great year for me. I'm happier in so many ways. I've met a ton of great people. Had some fantastic experiences. Got in shape. Picked up a new hobby. It was just super all the way around. If I make the same sort of progress in 2015, I'll be pretty darned happy.
Really, my life is mostly back on track, except for two very important things. I don't live close to my son, so I still spend less time with him than I did before my life cratered in 2012. He graduates High School in 2019. I have only so many years with him. So, I want to make the most of it. The clock is ticking on this one and when he graduates High School and is off to college, this chance will have passed. All I can do is continue to do the best I can. Forgive myself for what I can't, and just keep moving forward.
Career-wise, I'm very happy for my job. I love it and am lucky to have it. However, I'm nowhere near where I was, either professionally, or when I owned my own business. That's a work in process.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
2014 Wrap Up: Where Do I Even Begin?
2014 was one to remember. To recap, 2009, the biz started dying. In 2012, I sold off what remained of the assets and started working for the government down in Dayton. I still honestly don't know how I survived the past two and a half years. I just did, I guess. None of it should have worked, but I seemed to grunt my way through what has been, without doubt, the most difficult time of my adult life.
2014, though, things changed. I lost a lot of weight. Got much healthier. (Bloodwork all looks phenomenal, now.) Met so many new people. Took up a new hobby: fencing.
All in all, I never could have predicted at the end of 2013, that 2014 would have been so good.
2015 may bring some changes. Actually, it will, one way or another. In July, my service commitment is up, leaving me to seek other positions both within and outside the government. My preference would be to move closer to home. Home is still Sylvania, because my son is still in Sylvania. At least he's here for another 4 and a half years until he graduates High School.
If I can't find anything here, I'll be moving. If I don't live near Toledo, I'll move somewhere near family or friends. So, that means, Cleveland/Akron, Dallas/Fort Worth or Phonenix... ummm... /Phoenix. If I can't find anything in those cities, I'll move closer to my current position, probably by moving to a Western suburb of Columbus, like Hilliard.
Time frame for a move will be sometime after Logan's travel baseball season. I plan on taking off a month just to follow him once school lets out. That'll give me time with him, and the time to travel around to watch him.
January, I'll be taking a little week-long ski vacation to West Virginia. That'll be my first little vacation in forever. Things are getting better for me. I am still not entirely sure what the next few years hold, but by the end of this year, the picture should get clearer.
My son continues to be my pride and joy. I have always said that if I had to chose between a great life for me, and having a great son, that I'd take the great son. That's the deal I have. As long as I have that, I can be happy.
He continues to do great in all his sports. Like most teenagers, he's growing like a weed. He's getting a lot of playing time in basketball this year. Football he did great. He will be playing on his most competitive baseball team, yet, this season.
He's also getting serious about playing bass. He is in a little band and he sounds great. I haven't heard the band, yet, but if they're as good as he is, they should sound fantastic. They're preparing to play in their school's talent show at the end of the year.
All in all, my son is great, and 2015 finds me in better shape than I was in when 2014 started. I'm still rebuilding my life after the business died. It's pretty much all there, except my career got set back pretty far. I've got another couple decades in the worforce. No telling what it will bring.
Best wishes to everybody out there. I hope 2014 was good to you, too. We can all hope for a great 2015!
2014, though, things changed. I lost a lot of weight. Got much healthier. (Bloodwork all looks phenomenal, now.) Met so many new people. Took up a new hobby: fencing.
All in all, I never could have predicted at the end of 2013, that 2014 would have been so good.
2015 may bring some changes. Actually, it will, one way or another. In July, my service commitment is up, leaving me to seek other positions both within and outside the government. My preference would be to move closer to home. Home is still Sylvania, because my son is still in Sylvania. At least he's here for another 4 and a half years until he graduates High School.
If I can't find anything here, I'll be moving. If I don't live near Toledo, I'll move somewhere near family or friends. So, that means, Cleveland/Akron, Dallas/Fort Worth or Phonenix... ummm... /Phoenix. If I can't find anything in those cities, I'll move closer to my current position, probably by moving to a Western suburb of Columbus, like Hilliard.
Time frame for a move will be sometime after Logan's travel baseball season. I plan on taking off a month just to follow him once school lets out. That'll give me time with him, and the time to travel around to watch him.
January, I'll be taking a little week-long ski vacation to West Virginia. That'll be my first little vacation in forever. Things are getting better for me. I am still not entirely sure what the next few years hold, but by the end of this year, the picture should get clearer.
My son continues to be my pride and joy. I have always said that if I had to chose between a great life for me, and having a great son, that I'd take the great son. That's the deal I have. As long as I have that, I can be happy.
He continues to do great in all his sports. Like most teenagers, he's growing like a weed. He's getting a lot of playing time in basketball this year. Football he did great. He will be playing on his most competitive baseball team, yet, this season.
He's also getting serious about playing bass. He is in a little band and he sounds great. I haven't heard the band, yet, but if they're as good as he is, they should sound fantastic. They're preparing to play in their school's talent show at the end of the year.
All in all, my son is great, and 2015 finds me in better shape than I was in when 2014 started. I'm still rebuilding my life after the business died. It's pretty much all there, except my career got set back pretty far. I've got another couple decades in the worforce. No telling what it will bring.
Best wishes to everybody out there. I hope 2014 was good to you, too. We can all hope for a great 2015!
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
It's a Wonder Anybody Ever Stays Together
Strange that Facebook posts so frequently fall into neat classifications. The "brag on my kids" post, or the "this is my health issue" post. These things mean the entire world to the people posting them. For those who are reading, it's a chance to share in life's very real joys, triumphs and trials. Then, there's the heartache post. I see them. Have been tempted to make a few from time to time.
They are ones where it's easy for an outsider to see what's happening and to give sage advice: heal, move on, but mostly realize that what you thought was there probably wasn't.
When dealing with something as complex as human emotions, it's a wonder any two people in the world ever get together. You have to be emotionally ready to explore a relationship. You have to have mutual attraction and desire. You need basic compatibility.
That's just to have any relationship, of any kind. Even a bad one. As you look at the building blocks of a good relationship: trust, mutual respect, care and concern; it gets difficult to believe that anybody can really have all that.
Then, there's all the personal flaws that derail relationships: People who have their own issues to work out, which make them a poor fit for others.
The biggest stumbling block? Seems to be that far more often than not, one person is crazy about the other, and the other person is just not in to the same degree. That's when the heartbreak happens.
So many "happy couples" I see are really a case of that: one person emotionally carrying the entire relationship and the other person wanting to keep a good thing, but not being completely invested. For most people, that's the closest it gets, I fear. One person gets their dream... the other person settles for a good thing.
I think there are a lot of perfectly functional marriages that work like that.
However, if you're heartbroken, it means that your relationship wasn't perfectly functional. One of the more productive dating concepts that's come along in recent years is the whole, "he's not that into you" thing. Of course, SHE may not be that into you, either. If they aren't jumping into this with you, with both feet, that means you just aren't a priority for them, period. The rest? You need to harden your heart, because the rest really doesn't amount to much.
I heard a great quote once: real love is when both people feel like they're "dating up." It happens. It's wonderful to see when it does.
THEN, you can have all that... every last element of it... for years and years and years, and then something changes. People grow apart sometimes instead of together. Is that worse? Who knows.
In the end, it's hard to see. Harder to go through. Yet people do. From the beginning of time they did and they do. Billions upon billions of people bumping around through life looking for the one person who will give them a sense of home. Love is just that powerful.
So, for every person going through it, take heart. It feels like your heartache is the worst thing anybody has ever, ever gone through. Like you lost the one person you were meant to be with, and if only a few little things had been different, the two of you would be together and happy.
These things are not true, but that's what heartbreak feels like. The worst is that your heart just doesn't want to accept that the relationship ended because it had to. It was fatally flawed. Most of the time, people can put their finger right on the flaw, yet their heart refuses to accept that it couldn't have worked.
I think this is an emotional coping mechanism that is actually a good thing LATER in an established relationship. It causes the heart to hold on, even through tough times.
But when a relationship ends, that same instinct is the source of most of the pain. The belief that the relationship was a good one. If we had only...
The fact is that every relationship is packed with a lot of good times, positive emotion... the reality is that even a failed relationship had a lot of commonality with a good relationship. You are left thinking, "the good stuff... I wish I didn't have to lose that." Thing is, you don't. You can have it again. With another person, and with any luck, better next time. Those good times didn't go away. They're still waiting for you.
You just have to heal. Aaaaand... it feels like you will never, ever heal.
That isn't true, either.
I don't know a lot about love. I sure don't know much about relationships. I just know that hearts heal and they love again. It takes time. Sometimes months or even years of painful, painful time. It happens, though.
It gets better. Hang in there. The pain feels like it will last forever, but it never does.
In the end, you do come out the other side. When you do, you will find more people who are also bumping along, looking for that one person who will make their life feel complete.
You'll be older. Wiser. A little gun-shy. You'll have learned a little bit about what you really need, versus maybe what you merely wanted. Maybe, the next go-round, it won't be one person crazy in love and another person just content to hang on to a good thing for a while.
Maybe you'll both be dating up.
In the end, you can't make somebody love you. You can only be someone who deserves to be loved.
They are ones where it's easy for an outsider to see what's happening and to give sage advice: heal, move on, but mostly realize that what you thought was there probably wasn't.
When dealing with something as complex as human emotions, it's a wonder any two people in the world ever get together. You have to be emotionally ready to explore a relationship. You have to have mutual attraction and desire. You need basic compatibility.
That's just to have any relationship, of any kind. Even a bad one. As you look at the building blocks of a good relationship: trust, mutual respect, care and concern; it gets difficult to believe that anybody can really have all that.
Then, there's all the personal flaws that derail relationships: People who have their own issues to work out, which make them a poor fit for others.
The biggest stumbling block? Seems to be that far more often than not, one person is crazy about the other, and the other person is just not in to the same degree. That's when the heartbreak happens.
So many "happy couples" I see are really a case of that: one person emotionally carrying the entire relationship and the other person wanting to keep a good thing, but not being completely invested. For most people, that's the closest it gets, I fear. One person gets their dream... the other person settles for a good thing.
I think there are a lot of perfectly functional marriages that work like that.
However, if you're heartbroken, it means that your relationship wasn't perfectly functional. One of the more productive dating concepts that's come along in recent years is the whole, "he's not that into you" thing. Of course, SHE may not be that into you, either. If they aren't jumping into this with you, with both feet, that means you just aren't a priority for them, period. The rest? You need to harden your heart, because the rest really doesn't amount to much.
I heard a great quote once: real love is when both people feel like they're "dating up." It happens. It's wonderful to see when it does.
THEN, you can have all that... every last element of it... for years and years and years, and then something changes. People grow apart sometimes instead of together. Is that worse? Who knows.
In the end, it's hard to see. Harder to go through. Yet people do. From the beginning of time they did and they do. Billions upon billions of people bumping around through life looking for the one person who will give them a sense of home. Love is just that powerful.
So, for every person going through it, take heart. It feels like your heartache is the worst thing anybody has ever, ever gone through. Like you lost the one person you were meant to be with, and if only a few little things had been different, the two of you would be together and happy.
These things are not true, but that's what heartbreak feels like. The worst is that your heart just doesn't want to accept that the relationship ended because it had to. It was fatally flawed. Most of the time, people can put their finger right on the flaw, yet their heart refuses to accept that it couldn't have worked.
I think this is an emotional coping mechanism that is actually a good thing LATER in an established relationship. It causes the heart to hold on, even through tough times.
But when a relationship ends, that same instinct is the source of most of the pain. The belief that the relationship was a good one. If we had only...
The fact is that every relationship is packed with a lot of good times, positive emotion... the reality is that even a failed relationship had a lot of commonality with a good relationship. You are left thinking, "the good stuff... I wish I didn't have to lose that." Thing is, you don't. You can have it again. With another person, and with any luck, better next time. Those good times didn't go away. They're still waiting for you.
You just have to heal. Aaaaand... it feels like you will never, ever heal.
That isn't true, either.
I don't know a lot about love. I sure don't know much about relationships. I just know that hearts heal and they love again. It takes time. Sometimes months or even years of painful, painful time. It happens, though.
It gets better. Hang in there. The pain feels like it will last forever, but it never does.
In the end, you do come out the other side. When you do, you will find more people who are also bumping along, looking for that one person who will make their life feel complete.
You'll be older. Wiser. A little gun-shy. You'll have learned a little bit about what you really need, versus maybe what you merely wanted. Maybe, the next go-round, it won't be one person crazy in love and another person just content to hang on to a good thing for a while.
Maybe you'll both be dating up.
In the end, you can't make somebody love you. You can only be someone who deserves to be loved.
Sunday, November 9, 2014
The Art of the Stab
I just finished my first weekend of fencing tournaments. Right now, honestly, I'm a little exhausted. It wasn't the physical activity so much. I do more than that pretty much every day in workouts. But it was tiring... probably mentally as well as physically.
The first event was an "E and under" event in Michigan. In fencing, you are classified starting as a U (unrated) and then can earn ratings of E through A. An A level fencer would be a world-class fencer, collegiate varsity fencer, basically somebody with the highest classification.
I am a U, obviously. So, I figured the E and under tournament would be a good way to fence against people my own level.
The event I fence in is called epee. There are 3 different fencing events, and in epee, the entire body is a target and you can attempt to score at any time. The other two events: saber and foil, involve a concept called "right of way" where you can only score at certain times. They also have limited scoring areas and require special jackets or vests called a "lame" where you have to be touched for it to be a valid score. A score in fencing is called a "touch" or "touche" the French word, in international competition.
At least so far, a sizeable chunk of people who have seen me fence think I'm actually a saberist who is picking up epee as a second weapon. The reason for this is that saber is by far the most aggressive of the events, with competitors moving at each other very quickly and points scored very, very quickly.
Half a dozen folks, starting the very first few lessons I took, saw how I wanted to fight and said something along the lines of, "You really, really need to try saber."
Epee involves patience. Those who are familiar with my level of patience may immediately wonder about the wisdom of me choosing this event.
So, the funniest comment on day one was from a woman who actually was a saberist. She tore up our pool, and ended up with the #2 seed going into the brackets (called "direct elimination" or DE in tournaments).
Of the pool bouts I lost, I did best against her, losing 5-4. She was the only person I have ever fenced who was more aggressive than I was. After the bout, as we shook hands, she asked, "Is this your first weapon?"
"You think I'm a saberist, don't you?" I asked in reply.
Her response was classic, "You ARE a saberist."
I had begun taking baby steps towards learning saber before the weekend. Trying to find a lame and buying a saber. (Sabers are the least expensive weapons as far as the weapon, itself. The lame and mask are the most expensive of all the events, though.) Now, though, I'm interested to see how it goes.
I watched her fight through the tournament and it was an absolute pleasure. Basically, she just kept aggressively attacking the entire time. She didn't end up winning, but went deep and it was just fun to watch her go.
Overall, the tournament went well on Saturday. I beat the two people I should have in the pools and got dispatched quickly in the Direct Elimination portion. What was surprising was that almost everybody had no trouble at all dealing with my aggressiveness on the strip. At least at the clubs prior to this, I could sometimes get a lot of points, or sometimes a win against a better fencer because of my unconventional style. In the E and under tournament, most of the people I faced were completely unfazed and would just beat me using standard epee tactics.
Sunday's tournament had the same result, but felt much better. Again, I beat the two people I should have beaten. Again, I lost in the brackets in my first bout.
The difference, though, was that I was getting touches on everybody in the pools. I just wasn't getting enough of them. And the kid I lost to in direct elimination was a D rated fencer. I actually had him tied at 6-6 (after getting a red card for a non-functioning body cord and thus starting the bout 0-1). I just felt that although I lost to people I should have lost to, the gap wasn't insurmountable. I scored a lot of touches.
Plus, I think in some regards, I went in with the attitude that I would have fun and learn from the experience. And I think I really did. But I didn't expect to beat the guys who beat me. Next time, I think I'll probably go in with a more aggressive attitude.
I will probably only do maybe half a dozen tournaments or so all year. This weekend was an anomaly because I had two of them. Next weekend, I have a third.
I'm glad to have them all back to back, though. That way I minimize that time where I'm sitting around thinking, "I learned a lot, there... I can't wait to try the next one."
So, exhausted and need some fencing downtime. I'll probably open fence at SWORD on Thursday and then off to an E and under tournament in Wadsworth, OH next week. Though, honestly, I thought the E and under tournament this past weekend was harder than the open tournament.
I should also add, if you're a high school aged young man, this is a sport to go into. In my pool alone, in the E and under tournament, there were 4 gorgeous young women (all of whom thrashed me rather soundly, I might add). Lots of cute girls get into this sport.
The first event was an "E and under" event in Michigan. In fencing, you are classified starting as a U (unrated) and then can earn ratings of E through A. An A level fencer would be a world-class fencer, collegiate varsity fencer, basically somebody with the highest classification.
I am a U, obviously. So, I figured the E and under tournament would be a good way to fence against people my own level.
The event I fence in is called epee. There are 3 different fencing events, and in epee, the entire body is a target and you can attempt to score at any time. The other two events: saber and foil, involve a concept called "right of way" where you can only score at certain times. They also have limited scoring areas and require special jackets or vests called a "lame" where you have to be touched for it to be a valid score. A score in fencing is called a "touch" or "touche" the French word, in international competition.
At least so far, a sizeable chunk of people who have seen me fence think I'm actually a saberist who is picking up epee as a second weapon. The reason for this is that saber is by far the most aggressive of the events, with competitors moving at each other very quickly and points scored very, very quickly.
Half a dozen folks, starting the very first few lessons I took, saw how I wanted to fight and said something along the lines of, "You really, really need to try saber."
Epee involves patience. Those who are familiar with my level of patience may immediately wonder about the wisdom of me choosing this event.
So, the funniest comment on day one was from a woman who actually was a saberist. She tore up our pool, and ended up with the #2 seed going into the brackets (called "direct elimination" or DE in tournaments).
Of the pool bouts I lost, I did best against her, losing 5-4. She was the only person I have ever fenced who was more aggressive than I was. After the bout, as we shook hands, she asked, "Is this your first weapon?"
"You think I'm a saberist, don't you?" I asked in reply.
Her response was classic, "You ARE a saberist."
I had begun taking baby steps towards learning saber before the weekend. Trying to find a lame and buying a saber. (Sabers are the least expensive weapons as far as the weapon, itself. The lame and mask are the most expensive of all the events, though.) Now, though, I'm interested to see how it goes.
I watched her fight through the tournament and it was an absolute pleasure. Basically, she just kept aggressively attacking the entire time. She didn't end up winning, but went deep and it was just fun to watch her go.
Overall, the tournament went well on Saturday. I beat the two people I should have in the pools and got dispatched quickly in the Direct Elimination portion. What was surprising was that almost everybody had no trouble at all dealing with my aggressiveness on the strip. At least at the clubs prior to this, I could sometimes get a lot of points, or sometimes a win against a better fencer because of my unconventional style. In the E and under tournament, most of the people I faced were completely unfazed and would just beat me using standard epee tactics.
Sunday's tournament had the same result, but felt much better. Again, I beat the two people I should have beaten. Again, I lost in the brackets in my first bout.
The difference, though, was that I was getting touches on everybody in the pools. I just wasn't getting enough of them. And the kid I lost to in direct elimination was a D rated fencer. I actually had him tied at 6-6 (after getting a red card for a non-functioning body cord and thus starting the bout 0-1). I just felt that although I lost to people I should have lost to, the gap wasn't insurmountable. I scored a lot of touches.
Plus, I think in some regards, I went in with the attitude that I would have fun and learn from the experience. And I think I really did. But I didn't expect to beat the guys who beat me. Next time, I think I'll probably go in with a more aggressive attitude.
I will probably only do maybe half a dozen tournaments or so all year. This weekend was an anomaly because I had two of them. Next weekend, I have a third.
I'm glad to have them all back to back, though. That way I minimize that time where I'm sitting around thinking, "I learned a lot, there... I can't wait to try the next one."
So, exhausted and need some fencing downtime. I'll probably open fence at SWORD on Thursday and then off to an E and under tournament in Wadsworth, OH next week. Though, honestly, I thought the E and under tournament this past weekend was harder than the open tournament.
I should also add, if you're a high school aged young man, this is a sport to go into. In my pool alone, in the E and under tournament, there were 4 gorgeous young women (all of whom thrashed me rather soundly, I might add). Lots of cute girls get into this sport.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Where I Am
I've documented so much of my life in blogs that it seem odd that now, of all times, I'd be reluctant to blog what I've been going through. In an odd way, so much has been going on that I've been too wrapped up in the real world to write about it.
First, I guess I'll talk about the most obvious thing. The one that folks are most likely to notice when they see me in person. I've been able to start running again. Physically, I'm just much smaller. At first, it didn't seem like it, but it is absolutely true. I don't particularly like the act of running. My head does clear and I think clearly on what's on my mind, but the act of running, itself, has never really been joyful for me. After 3 miles or so, I settle into a sustainable tranquility, but it's never really fun. The other things, though? The impact on my life? Huge. My physical health, mental well-being, energy level, everything improves. Just had a routine blood test and they could have used my results as a textbook example of perfect bloodwork.
I haven't been able to run much for the past 10 years or so due to various injuries. Most notably, my 4 year battle with plantar fasciitis. Now, though, I'm running injury free. I'm trying not to push it too hard and end up broken again. We'll see. My routine is 6 miles, 3 or 4 times a week. If things continue to go well, I'll shoot for the AF Marathon in Fall of 2015.
So, fitness, all blue skies these days. I'm still lifting, but not as much. I haven't fully decided on a fitness goal. I'm just enjoying being in shape. If I do a fall marathon, I may give up the lifting for a while. I'll worry about that later.
Second, things in general have improved and because of that, so has my general mood. As I have whined incessantly about, things have been tough since 2009, and everything sorta crashed in 2012. The bad news all seems to be behind me at the moment, though. My feet are firmly beneath me and I'm feeling ready to explore what's next. I'm contemplating my next entrepreneurial step. Not sure what it is, but for the first time in a while, I'm sure it'll be something.
I will have to make some sort of change regarding my living situation. I have a year left on my service committment at my current job, but after that, I will be looking for something closer to my son. If I can't find that, I'll be moving closer to my job and go on the distance parenting schedule. (Instead of every other weekend, I'd have him half the summer.) I will probably continue to hang on to the current situation, as gruelling and expensive as it is, until then.
Lastly, and more importantly, I had an extraordinary person come into my life. Honestly, this is why I haven't been blogging. It's just that I didn't know what, if anything, I could say about this. Yet, at the same time, it's probably the biggest thing that's happened to me lately.
For reasons too personal, numerous and complicated to divulge publicly, I really can't talk a lot of specifics about this person. She's somebody who came into my life oddly and suddenly. We shared an extraordinary connection. It didn't hurt that she was smart and beautiful.
Timing truly is everything. She came into my life when I needed her most. I needed somebody to remind me that I was truly capable of caring about another person. I needed somebody to show me that there are people I can relate to, deeply and personally. I have never met another person who I connected with on this level, at this depth.
Unfortunately, because timing is, indeed, everything, I did not come into her life at a time when she was in a position to be ready for this to progress much beyond a complicated friendship. Or, maybe it's just me. Or maybe a combination of both. My heart was hers to take, but hers was not mine. The reasons why, ultimately, really don't matter.
Still, I find myself being more grateful than hearbroken in the end. You have to be grateful when a person comes into your life, picks you up and leaves you better than they found you. Life is made the greater by the people in your life. My life is greater now that she is part of mine.
First, I guess I'll talk about the most obvious thing. The one that folks are most likely to notice when they see me in person. I've been able to start running again. Physically, I'm just much smaller. At first, it didn't seem like it, but it is absolutely true. I don't particularly like the act of running. My head does clear and I think clearly on what's on my mind, but the act of running, itself, has never really been joyful for me. After 3 miles or so, I settle into a sustainable tranquility, but it's never really fun. The other things, though? The impact on my life? Huge. My physical health, mental well-being, energy level, everything improves. Just had a routine blood test and they could have used my results as a textbook example of perfect bloodwork.
I haven't been able to run much for the past 10 years or so due to various injuries. Most notably, my 4 year battle with plantar fasciitis. Now, though, I'm running injury free. I'm trying not to push it too hard and end up broken again. We'll see. My routine is 6 miles, 3 or 4 times a week. If things continue to go well, I'll shoot for the AF Marathon in Fall of 2015.
So, fitness, all blue skies these days. I'm still lifting, but not as much. I haven't fully decided on a fitness goal. I'm just enjoying being in shape. If I do a fall marathon, I may give up the lifting for a while. I'll worry about that later.
Second, things in general have improved and because of that, so has my general mood. As I have whined incessantly about, things have been tough since 2009, and everything sorta crashed in 2012. The bad news all seems to be behind me at the moment, though. My feet are firmly beneath me and I'm feeling ready to explore what's next. I'm contemplating my next entrepreneurial step. Not sure what it is, but for the first time in a while, I'm sure it'll be something.
I will have to make some sort of change regarding my living situation. I have a year left on my service committment at my current job, but after that, I will be looking for something closer to my son. If I can't find that, I'll be moving closer to my job and go on the distance parenting schedule. (Instead of every other weekend, I'd have him half the summer.) I will probably continue to hang on to the current situation, as gruelling and expensive as it is, until then.
Lastly, and more importantly, I had an extraordinary person come into my life. Honestly, this is why I haven't been blogging. It's just that I didn't know what, if anything, I could say about this. Yet, at the same time, it's probably the biggest thing that's happened to me lately.
For reasons too personal, numerous and complicated to divulge publicly, I really can't talk a lot of specifics about this person. She's somebody who came into my life oddly and suddenly. We shared an extraordinary connection. It didn't hurt that she was smart and beautiful.
Timing truly is everything. She came into my life when I needed her most. I needed somebody to remind me that I was truly capable of caring about another person. I needed somebody to show me that there are people I can relate to, deeply and personally. I have never met another person who I connected with on this level, at this depth.
Unfortunately, because timing is, indeed, everything, I did not come into her life at a time when she was in a position to be ready for this to progress much beyond a complicated friendship. Or, maybe it's just me. Or maybe a combination of both. My heart was hers to take, but hers was not mine. The reasons why, ultimately, really don't matter.
Still, I find myself being more grateful than hearbroken in the end. You have to be grateful when a person comes into your life, picks you up and leaves you better than they found you. Life is made the greater by the people in your life. My life is greater now that she is part of mine.
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