Feeling really good right now. Better than I can remember feeling in a long, long time. For those who haven't been keeping up with the saga, it's been a rough turn of events since about mid-2009. Lots of pretty awful stuff.
The worst part was the sensation that the bad stuff just kept coming and coming. It's not like just surviving a short-term event. It was like crappy things happened over the course of month after month after month. Just when I thought I was done with something, I'd get blindsided by it again. It was horrible.
Now, though, I feel like maybe, finally, the waves have subsided. Most of the bad news appears to be, finally and mercifully, behind me. At least for now.
Two things that I have really been neglecting have been my fitness and my music. Those are, coincidentally, two of my favorite things in the world.
It's just that the events of my life were so exhausting that by the time the day ended, all I wanted to do was dissolve into the couch and watch TV. Who knows, I guess I also had this nagging sensation in the back of my head that I wasn't entitled to enjoy those things since I'd made such a mess of the rest of my life.
The insidious thing about that is that, especially with exercise, you end up in a downward spiral.
Exercise makes you healthier, improves your mood and gives you greater endurance. When things are bad and I stopped exercising, all three of those things took a hit just when I needed them most.
Over the course of the past few weeks, I've moved some hand-weights into the condo from the detached garage. I've been doing a few reps of this and that. I just set up my rower and did a 10K row. I'm ready to get physically active again. It's been a long time.
Not sure what goals I'm going to have with this, other than just making myself healthier. We'll see. The trick now is to keep up working out regularly.
My doctor actually prescribed over the counter Omega-3 fish oil for me to take. I think it's going to have a positive impact on my bloodwork, but I also find I'm just not as hungry throughout the day, now, either. If the press is to be believed, this is a good supplement for folks who don't get much fish in their diet. I doubt it could possibly do any harm. And if the press is to be believed, it may do tremendous good.
The other thing is that I get a promotion at work again this year. It comes with a pretty big bump in pay. Things will be easier, financially, after that.
The upcoming promotion (not until August), and a pretty good tax refund also mean I could afford to start rebuilding my guitar collection. I'm actually playing again, and it feels good.
Really, the two things in my life I've ever done that resulted in me just getting lost in things and losing track of time are playing music and writing computer code. The computer code was seldom enjoyable because whether I lost myself in it or not, there were always deadlines to meet. The guitar, though, is something I love to do.
I was going to take a guitar with me down to the hotel in Dayton where I spend my week-days, but the temperatures lately have been around zero. I am afraid it may damage any instrument I might take down. Once my tax return arrives, though, I'm going to buy a little portable keyboard and road-case. I figure that'll handle extremes in temperature better.
Also, my goal was to get my credit rating back into the 700s, and at least according to one service, it is. I'll continue rebuilding. My near-term goal (sometime in the next 3 years) is to get back to where I can get 0% promotional financing on a new car. I just hope my current hoopty can hold out a few more months or years until that happens.
So, I don't know what it is that triggered things, but things got better all in a hurry. During these past few years, things were pretty hard. I was barely holding it together. My main goal throughout was to not-fail my son, and I hope I did a good job of that. Now, though, I have the energy to devote to making myself a better person.
I'm still not entirely sure what the future holds, but I feel like I'm back on track. 2012 was the year everything fell apart. 2013 was the year it took all I could do to stop losing ground. 2014 may be the year I start making strides forward.
So, goals for this year are:
1. To play music every week
2. To try and exercise every day
3. Stay debt-free
4. Keep making progress professionally
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Friday, January 3, 2014
The Word According to The Fresh Prince
Recently, a friend posted a Will Smith quote on Facebook. Honestly, I have no idea if it is actually a Will Smith quote, but the basic gist was, "Sometimes you have to put the past in the past. Take inventory and appreciate what remains. Then, move forward." (Apologies if the paraphrase is off if, indeed, the famous philospher, "fresh prince of bel aire" is offended.)
That got me thinking. I have gotten very, very good at putting the past in the past. Comes from the learning style of "do it wrong so many times, you have no choice but to stumble on the right way." I have to thank my son for that. I spent the first 35 years of my life regretting pretty much everything I had ever done.
Once my son came around, I wouldn't have changed a single thing about my life, because it all led to him. I wouldn't change a thing about him. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, but the love of a parent for a child is unlike anything else in life. He is perfect to me. He was also a perfect beginning. From the moment he was born, I put the past in the past and kept an eye to the future.
I've also always been very, very good about keeping an eye to the future. I was unhappy with my life for most of it. What has always kept me going is the promise of a better day ahead. People will eventually believe what they need to believe in order to face each day. Some people fill this need with faith in God, or love of their fellow man, or a sense of purpose in their lives. I wish I could say that I was driven primarily by all of those things, but that simply isn't true. My faith is in the future. It always has been. Even during my darkest times as a little child, my grandmother would fill my heart and head with visions of a better tomorrow.
That's a great thing, I think. The people I admire most tend to be those with optimism and a vision of the future. The downside is that focusing too much on the future can keep a person from appreciating the present.
That is where I truly fail. I really need to do a better job of appreciating where I am, instead of focusing solely on where I'm going. I need to be more thankful for the many, many blessings in my life.
This is the future I waited so long for. Not all of it turned out badly. In fact, some of it turned out better than I ever could have imagined.
I truly believe that a person's happiness or sadness in life lies largely with their perception of things. Some situations are truly so great that virtually nobody would be unhappy in them. Some situations are truly so horrible that nobody could possibly be happy in them. But most of life, the vast, vast majority, and the way most of us live our lives, is someplace in-between.
I have a challenging situation with trying to balance my time with my son, and a job that's 150 miles away. I'm fortunate, though, that my job is as accommodating of this challenge as any job could reasonably be. I work with great people. I have a sense of purpose in what I do. Even though it's less money than what I'd become accustomed to, the pay is actually very good. Not great, mind you, but good.
There's an old Chinese proverb (probably apocryphal and invented in Los Angeles, like egg rolls), that a blessing for most people is to wish them "enough". As in, "I wish you enough", versus, say, "I wish you tremendous wealth."
This whole thing could have gone so many other ways. Every time I read the paper about those bizarre near-hermits the Walton family, or hear a tale of somebody murdered by a relative in a plot to steal their riches, or a story of a wealthy family's kids dying of a drug overdose, I'm reminded that sometimes wealth isn't the cure-all that I've always thought it would be. Sure, it solves a host of problems. However, it brings a host of different problems.
At a minimum, I know my friends are not motivated by any ulterior motive. I know my son won't be tempted to live a wasted and pointless life on hoarded wealth. Now, yes, if given the choice, I'd take rich people's problems over struggling people's problems any day. However, it's important to note that you truly are trading one set of problems for another. The other set of problems may be less challenging, but they're still problems.
So, I don't have wealth, but I have a good job. I don't have every moment with my son like I'd like, but I do have quality time with him. I still see pretty much every sporting event he's in. There are plenty of fathers who, due to the demands of their work, are far less involved in their kids' lives than they want to be. It wouldn't take much of a stretch to envision myself in that situation.
All in all, if I had to chose between success, wealth, leisure, all the trappings of a fabulous life, and having a healthy son I could be proud of, I'd pick the healthy son. Every time, no hesitation. Well... that's sort of the deal I got. I sort of lost out on all the parts of my life that amount to tinkering around the edges, and I got the only part that really, truly means the world to me. I'm doing pretty good.
Mostly, I should take a look and realize that I still have a lot of time left in my life. I've got a lot of spins of the globe left in me. There is still so much adventure ahead. I can still dream. 10 years from now, I could be working for the government in some foreign country. Or, I could be back writing applications software in Silicon Valley. 20 years from now, I could be comfortably retired, spending my time with my grandkids.
But again, that's looking to the future. In the mean time, my bills are paid and my heart is full. That's enough.
That got me thinking. I have gotten very, very good at putting the past in the past. Comes from the learning style of "do it wrong so many times, you have no choice but to stumble on the right way." I have to thank my son for that. I spent the first 35 years of my life regretting pretty much everything I had ever done.
Once my son came around, I wouldn't have changed a single thing about my life, because it all led to him. I wouldn't change a thing about him. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, but the love of a parent for a child is unlike anything else in life. He is perfect to me. He was also a perfect beginning. From the moment he was born, I put the past in the past and kept an eye to the future.
I've also always been very, very good about keeping an eye to the future. I was unhappy with my life for most of it. What has always kept me going is the promise of a better day ahead. People will eventually believe what they need to believe in order to face each day. Some people fill this need with faith in God, or love of their fellow man, or a sense of purpose in their lives. I wish I could say that I was driven primarily by all of those things, but that simply isn't true. My faith is in the future. It always has been. Even during my darkest times as a little child, my grandmother would fill my heart and head with visions of a better tomorrow.
That's a great thing, I think. The people I admire most tend to be those with optimism and a vision of the future. The downside is that focusing too much on the future can keep a person from appreciating the present.
That is where I truly fail. I really need to do a better job of appreciating where I am, instead of focusing solely on where I'm going. I need to be more thankful for the many, many blessings in my life.
This is the future I waited so long for. Not all of it turned out badly. In fact, some of it turned out better than I ever could have imagined.
I truly believe that a person's happiness or sadness in life lies largely with their perception of things. Some situations are truly so great that virtually nobody would be unhappy in them. Some situations are truly so horrible that nobody could possibly be happy in them. But most of life, the vast, vast majority, and the way most of us live our lives, is someplace in-between.
I have a challenging situation with trying to balance my time with my son, and a job that's 150 miles away. I'm fortunate, though, that my job is as accommodating of this challenge as any job could reasonably be. I work with great people. I have a sense of purpose in what I do. Even though it's less money than what I'd become accustomed to, the pay is actually very good. Not great, mind you, but good.
There's an old Chinese proverb (probably apocryphal and invented in Los Angeles, like egg rolls), that a blessing for most people is to wish them "enough". As in, "I wish you enough", versus, say, "I wish you tremendous wealth."
This whole thing could have gone so many other ways. Every time I read the paper about those bizarre near-hermits the Walton family, or hear a tale of somebody murdered by a relative in a plot to steal their riches, or a story of a wealthy family's kids dying of a drug overdose, I'm reminded that sometimes wealth isn't the cure-all that I've always thought it would be. Sure, it solves a host of problems. However, it brings a host of different problems.
At a minimum, I know my friends are not motivated by any ulterior motive. I know my son won't be tempted to live a wasted and pointless life on hoarded wealth. Now, yes, if given the choice, I'd take rich people's problems over struggling people's problems any day. However, it's important to note that you truly are trading one set of problems for another. The other set of problems may be less challenging, but they're still problems.
So, I don't have wealth, but I have a good job. I don't have every moment with my son like I'd like, but I do have quality time with him. I still see pretty much every sporting event he's in. There are plenty of fathers who, due to the demands of their work, are far less involved in their kids' lives than they want to be. It wouldn't take much of a stretch to envision myself in that situation.
All in all, if I had to chose between success, wealth, leisure, all the trappings of a fabulous life, and having a healthy son I could be proud of, I'd pick the healthy son. Every time, no hesitation. Well... that's sort of the deal I got. I sort of lost out on all the parts of my life that amount to tinkering around the edges, and I got the only part that really, truly means the world to me. I'm doing pretty good.
Mostly, I should take a look and realize that I still have a lot of time left in my life. I've got a lot of spins of the globe left in me. There is still so much adventure ahead. I can still dream. 10 years from now, I could be working for the government in some foreign country. Or, I could be back writing applications software in Silicon Valley. 20 years from now, I could be comfortably retired, spending my time with my grandkids.
But again, that's looking to the future. In the mean time, my bills are paid and my heart is full. That's enough.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Time
It is amazing how the perception of the passage of time changes in a person's lifetime. I can still remember being a grade-schooler waiting for Christmas day. One week felt like an eternity. As time goes on, it passes more and more quickly.
When you are a kid, your life stretches out in an incomprehensibly long trail before you. Time is everywhere. It is mostly an obstacle. Time stands in the way of what you want. It makes you wait to graduate high school, to graduate college, to get out of the military.
Eventually, though, time becomes precious. You realize that there are more years behind you than ahead. You wish time could slow down. You now know that time isn't the obstacle to the things you want. Time becomes the thing you want.
2014 will be the year my son turns 13 and starts 8th grade, his final year before High School. He's mostly a young man these days. No longer a little boy. Time set that table, and then cleared it away. I know how quickly 2 or 3 or 4 years can pass. Soon, he'll be out of High School and one way or another, independent and making his way in the world. I can help if I want, but so, so soon, my incredible time watching a boy grow into a man will be over. Now that I've seen so many years, I know that each year will continually pass faster and faster.
I actually don't look forward to the day he's grown. I know he'll be a fine man. I hope things work out so that I'll have grandchildren to play with. I hope my life will be such that I can be an active part of their lives. But it will never feel exactly like this again.
So, I remind myself that each thing has its season. You can't stop and linger at the parts you like the most. The best you can do is appreciate things as they come.
A few years ago, I started on a road that I knew was going to be unpleasant for a few years. 2012 was the start of my great depression. A depression emotionally and financially. Life ebbs and flows. I was riding high from 2007 to 2009. But the downstroke was really, really bad. It has lasted a long, long time.
2014 things will start to get better. Barring any unforeseeable calamities, it should be the start of building something great with what's left of my life. I'll be able to buy a nice house and drive nice cars again, eventually. 2015 should be great.
So, in a way, 2014 is like the last of the bad years. Things will be getting better, but only relative to a pretty deep hole. I need to think of this in the same way I thought of my last year before graduating college, or my last year before getting out of the Army. I need to fill it with the optimism that comes with knowing that you did a drawn-out, challenging thing.
Often, those things that seemed so excruciating when you were going through them provide the most pleasant memories later. I do have joy in my life. Mostly around my son.
He's one of the most athletic kids in his grade, despite being one of the youngest. More importantly, I'm proud of the fine young man he is. He has strong, positive character. I worry about him like any parent would, but he has the tools to go far in life. He gives every indication that he'll make good use of his potential.
So, I find myself torn. Torn between wanting 2014 to end quickly, because it represents the last of the dues I need to pay for my most recent setbacks. Also, torn because I just don't have that many years left with my son as a young man before he is, simply, a full grown man.
In the end, things aren't good or bad because I decide they should be. I can alter the way I look at things, but most things are pretty far outside my control. And time doesn't pass quickly or slowly based on my desires. It passes as it passes.
So, while I'm paying the last of my dues (for now) and looking forward to a better 2015, I will try as much as possible, to enjoy the time as it passes.
Now, on more mundane notes:
1. I think next Winter, if I'm in Ohio, I'm going to take the 2 weeks around Christmas off. Logan is off from school, and I may see if there's any way I can work a week in Phoenix in there. That was a fun thing to do last year. It'd be nice to ring in the New Year with my family out there. Plus, lord knows the weather is a really, really welcome break. Not sure if I'll make it a ski vacation or not, but we'll see.
2. I'm not big on New Year's resolutions because, frankly, they're a cliche. You promise you'll do better on a number of things and by February, you discover you're the same person you always were. But I do believe in trying to be better. I do believe that sometimes you just have to commit to making a change. So, my ONE resolution this year is oatmeal. I'm going to keep oatmeal at work and instead of eating McDonald's or bagels from the bagel shop, I'm going to eat oatmeal for breakfast.
3. I won't know for a few months, but I may have the chance to do some job-related travel in 2014. Sort of a complicated topic, but I really, really want to do this. It's hard to think about much else at the moment.
4. As some of you may know, I was accepted to a code bootcamp in San Francisco last year. However, I decided to ride out the government job just a little longer. I still don't know which direction my life will take. I just believe in investing in yourself. Probably always, but now more than ever, your only job security is the investments you make in your skills. Government work is pretty steady and secure, but nothing is a certainty and the applications development job market is pretty crazy in a few parts of the country. If the economy heats up, things could get sorta nutso. When I will go, or even ultimately if I'll go are still up in the air. But I've got that on the back burner.
5. 2015 is the year when I should be able to decisively turn the tide. So, despite the fact that all time is precious, I hope I can be forgiven for looking past 2014 to some degree.
When you are a kid, your life stretches out in an incomprehensibly long trail before you. Time is everywhere. It is mostly an obstacle. Time stands in the way of what you want. It makes you wait to graduate high school, to graduate college, to get out of the military.
Eventually, though, time becomes precious. You realize that there are more years behind you than ahead. You wish time could slow down. You now know that time isn't the obstacle to the things you want. Time becomes the thing you want.
2014 will be the year my son turns 13 and starts 8th grade, his final year before High School. He's mostly a young man these days. No longer a little boy. Time set that table, and then cleared it away. I know how quickly 2 or 3 or 4 years can pass. Soon, he'll be out of High School and one way or another, independent and making his way in the world. I can help if I want, but so, so soon, my incredible time watching a boy grow into a man will be over. Now that I've seen so many years, I know that each year will continually pass faster and faster.
I actually don't look forward to the day he's grown. I know he'll be a fine man. I hope things work out so that I'll have grandchildren to play with. I hope my life will be such that I can be an active part of their lives. But it will never feel exactly like this again.
So, I remind myself that each thing has its season. You can't stop and linger at the parts you like the most. The best you can do is appreciate things as they come.
A few years ago, I started on a road that I knew was going to be unpleasant for a few years. 2012 was the start of my great depression. A depression emotionally and financially. Life ebbs and flows. I was riding high from 2007 to 2009. But the downstroke was really, really bad. It has lasted a long, long time.
2014 things will start to get better. Barring any unforeseeable calamities, it should be the start of building something great with what's left of my life. I'll be able to buy a nice house and drive nice cars again, eventually. 2015 should be great.
So, in a way, 2014 is like the last of the bad years. Things will be getting better, but only relative to a pretty deep hole. I need to think of this in the same way I thought of my last year before graduating college, or my last year before getting out of the Army. I need to fill it with the optimism that comes with knowing that you did a drawn-out, challenging thing.
Often, those things that seemed so excruciating when you were going through them provide the most pleasant memories later. I do have joy in my life. Mostly around my son.
He's one of the most athletic kids in his grade, despite being one of the youngest. More importantly, I'm proud of the fine young man he is. He has strong, positive character. I worry about him like any parent would, but he has the tools to go far in life. He gives every indication that he'll make good use of his potential.
So, I find myself torn. Torn between wanting 2014 to end quickly, because it represents the last of the dues I need to pay for my most recent setbacks. Also, torn because I just don't have that many years left with my son as a young man before he is, simply, a full grown man.
In the end, things aren't good or bad because I decide they should be. I can alter the way I look at things, but most things are pretty far outside my control. And time doesn't pass quickly or slowly based on my desires. It passes as it passes.
So, while I'm paying the last of my dues (for now) and looking forward to a better 2015, I will try as much as possible, to enjoy the time as it passes.
Now, on more mundane notes:
1. I think next Winter, if I'm in Ohio, I'm going to take the 2 weeks around Christmas off. Logan is off from school, and I may see if there's any way I can work a week in Phoenix in there. That was a fun thing to do last year. It'd be nice to ring in the New Year with my family out there. Plus, lord knows the weather is a really, really welcome break. Not sure if I'll make it a ski vacation or not, but we'll see.
2. I'm not big on New Year's resolutions because, frankly, they're a cliche. You promise you'll do better on a number of things and by February, you discover you're the same person you always were. But I do believe in trying to be better. I do believe that sometimes you just have to commit to making a change. So, my ONE resolution this year is oatmeal. I'm going to keep oatmeal at work and instead of eating McDonald's or bagels from the bagel shop, I'm going to eat oatmeal for breakfast.
3. I won't know for a few months, but I may have the chance to do some job-related travel in 2014. Sort of a complicated topic, but I really, really want to do this. It's hard to think about much else at the moment.
4. As some of you may know, I was accepted to a code bootcamp in San Francisco last year. However, I decided to ride out the government job just a little longer. I still don't know which direction my life will take. I just believe in investing in yourself. Probably always, but now more than ever, your only job security is the investments you make in your skills. Government work is pretty steady and secure, but nothing is a certainty and the applications development job market is pretty crazy in a few parts of the country. If the economy heats up, things could get sorta nutso. When I will go, or even ultimately if I'll go are still up in the air. But I've got that on the back burner.
5. 2015 is the year when I should be able to decisively turn the tide. So, despite the fact that all time is precious, I hope I can be forgiven for looking past 2014 to some degree.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)