The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother is making quite a stir these days. For those who haven't heard of it, the book is a memoir that defends what the author describes as a "Chinese" way of raising kids.
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754.html
Basically, kids are expected to be high achievers, and that a parent is justified in using methods that others might consider extreme in order to achieve that goal. For instance, 4 hours of piano practice, without a bathroom or meal break, is one of the anectdotes in the book.
The author has been the subject of considerably hostility. Apparently, some folks have even threatened her with violence of some sort or another.
I'm loathe to claim much knowledge in the area of parenting. Yet, I find myself disagreeing with this woman's stance. The hypocrasy of this does not escape me: I chastise a woman for claiming a superior method of parenting, at the same time, believing that some of her methods are inferior.
Let me start with my biggest problem with her book: it works from the premise that her method produced superior kids.
There are a few nits to pick with this. Number one is that her kids are still teenagers. It's a bit premature to roll out the "mission accomplished" banner. In fact, what we know of development of the brain suggests that parts of it are still developing well into the mid 20s. So, it's going to be some years before we know whether this method worked or not.
Second, sorry, but this is a Harvard Law educated woman who teaches at Yale Law School. Her husband is similarly brilliant. I'm one of the folks who believes that genetics has a lot to do with a person's achievement in life. She won the genetic lottery and by extension, so did her daughters.
If they had been raised by a longshoreman, they'd still be brilliant.
The basic question comes down to this, though: what is the goal of parenting?
That's a question folks can only answer for themselves.
As some of you know, I have mixed feelings about travel baseball and the issues it raises are similar to the discussion this book raises.
I still remember Logan's first day of tee-ball practice. I was helping coach some of the kids, and I heard somebody say, "Jim, come over here, Logan just got hit in the face with the ball."
Luckily, tee ball is played with a softer baseball. I sat Logan on my knee and he regained his composure. I asked if he wanted to keep playing and he didn't even hesitate. He ran back to join the other kids.
A few minutes later, "Jim, Logan got hit in the face with the ball again."
I can't tell you exactly what I was thinking at the moment, but I think it was something along the lines of, "Oh f***ity f***ing f***."
Went over and sat him on my knee, he regained his composure and again, went right back out to play.
After that practice, I hated myself. I hated myself for not preparing him. I don't know how in the world Logan was the lucky kid who got hit in the face not once, but twice, but it happened.
So, I immediately bought a tennis balls and some wiffle balls and started to teach him how to catch a ball with a baseball glove.
I worked with him a little bit, but his biggest improvement came when he would practice by himself at night. He would take a wiffle ball and throw it against the front door and field it with his glove. A wiffle ball gives you no feedback in the glove, so it's 100% hand-eye practice. I liken it to trying to catch a flying BB with tweezers.
Hours every night he practiced. I never had to push him towards it, encourage him to do it or even mention it to him. He just loved doing it.
Fast forward to the modern day and Logan has made our city's premier travel baseball team.
I'm lukewarm to the idea of travel baseball. Logan's mom brought up to me last year that Logan might not want to play travel this year. I told her, flat-out, I didn't care if Logan played rec league ball, or if he never touched a baseball glove again for the rest of his life. My only line in the sand was that he had to finish out the season because we had made a committment to the team.
Is baseball important? Well, yeah, I think it is. I probably think it's more important than a lot of things in life.
However, I also know that there are dads who are pushing their kids into travel baseball because they think their kid is going to play in the major leagues someday.
There are fewer than 1,000 players in major league baseball. They are recruited from all over the world. Not every country plays baseball, but seriously, we're probably talking a third or a quarter of the world's population has access to baseball.
I would LOVE it if Logan played MLB someday. However, I'm putting a little more effort into making sure he has a strong plan B.
Other dads are pushing their boys into travel baseball because they think it's the only way the kid will ever make their high school team.
To that, I say, "so what?" If they don't make their high school baseball team, they can still live fulfilling lives as productive members of society.
Should I be pushing him in baseball? I don't think so. I think that childhood is a time when he should be exploring a lot of different activities and options. He may not like baseball. Maybe he'll run track and cross country in High School. Maybe, heaven forbid, he won't play sports at all.
If he excels in baseball in High School and beyond, it'll be because he pushes himself. It'll be because he's one of those kids who practices even when they don't have to.
Logan can play travel baseball as long as he loves doing it. When it turns into a chore, he will have the option of doing something else. He's 9 years old and that's too young to have a job.
Amy Chua (the Tiger Mother) is proud of her daughters for having achieved excellence in piano and violin. The girls should be proud of their accomplishments.
On the other hand, I'd have to ask, "So what?" Why is it important to excel at piano and violin? Are they going to be professional musicians? If not, then seriously, what was all that work for? If it was because the girls loved it, that's one thing.
If it's because they had to, and had no choice, and their hours of piano practice kept them from enjoying a lot of the typical activities that form the warm memories of childhood, then sorry, I disagree with making them do it.
This is not to say that I'm pro-sports and anti-music. Far from it. I'm actually one of the least athletic people you'll ever meet.
I'm teaching my son basketball right now and frankly, I know a lot about the game. My son asked why I know so much about it, despite not-playing in High School, and I told him bluntly, "Because I wasn't very talented, I had to learn everything I could about how the game is played".
It didn't matter much. I never once made a middle school basketball team, and played only a couple of years of CYO. Sometimes, sorry, genetics trumps a love of the game, even when you're a 5'11" 7th grader.
I also happen to love music. I taught myself to play guitar starting at age 16, and studied applied classical guitar in college. I also taught guitar for 3 years.
In my personal story, I would have been a kid who practiced 4 hours a day. My family simply couldn't afford instruments or music lessons. I asked for them starting in about the 2nd grade and kept up the asking until about the 4th, at which point it became obvious that it just wasn't going to happen.
When I was old enough to buy my own guitar, I did, and practiced constantly. I did this from the time I was 16 until about the time I left college in Texas at age 25.
You can't make up for lost time on something like this. I would clearly have been a much better musician if I had the resources to start earlier.
So, is that an argument for the Tiger Mom? No, it isn't. What if I didn't want to play the violin? What if I were like my son and wasn't musically inclined, but athletically inclined?
The Tiger Mom might have worked out in my case, probably. I would have loved to have learned how to play the piano. But the fact that she was oblivious to listening to her kids means that it probably wouldn't have worked out for most kids, most of the time.
Ultimately, popular music is not made with violins, and to an increasing degree, not with guitars, either. Classical music is something that appeals to a lot of people if it's in the background, like Muzak. Beyond that, it doesn't impact the lives of most people.
So, is music unimportant? Is baseball unimportant? They're both very important each in their own way. Which one should you push your kid into? Neither, but you should facilitate their ability to pursue the one they'll love. And you can't find out which one they love if you're shoving other activities down their throats.
Getting back to basketball, Logan recently tried out for the city's premier basketball team and didn't make the cut. It was a flashback to the first day of tee-ball practice. He didn't succeed because I hadn't prepared him. I only heard about the tryouts the week or so before. Had I been able to put Logan through a few workouts, he may have made the squad.
Am I worried? Is he doomed? Will the players on the team outpace him? Will he never make his High School team? The reality of this is that he probably has the physical skills to make his High School team. If he makes it, it will be because he worked hard at it, for years, and not because he was forced to. I can haul him to the warehouse to shoot hoops once or twice a week, but the kids who make the HS team will be the ones who are practicing a few hours, multiple times a week, all Summer long.
He'll make it if he has the love. If he doesn't, he won't. And either way is fine with me. I'll help him, but I won't stand over him and force him. He's got to want it for himself.
Ultimately, we all want to raise well-adjusted, competent, contributing members of society. We're all going to go about it each in our own way. No method works for raising all kids.
My boy is a people pleaser. He doesn't rebel. He's not mischievous. Me? I was all that. You don't raise a boy like my boy the way you have to raise somebody like I was.
Kids are individuals, and there is something inside there. There's a human being with likes and dislikes. In my opinion, a successful parent is one who allows the child room to explore and grow, and to become a person they want to be, not just a person they have to be.
I don't agree with trying to force a kid into our image of what they should be. Whether that's a piano-playing science-fair winning high achiever, or a kid who throws a 90 mph fastball.
There are hard limits, of course. We want our children to be moral. We want our children to do SOMETHING with their lives. However, micromanaging their lives into a very, very, very narrow set of experiences is not something I believe in doing.
No comments:
Post a Comment