It's a Wonder Anybody Ever Stays Together

Strange that Facebook posts so frequently fall into neat classifications.  The "brag on my kids" post, or the "this is my health issue" post.  These things mean the entire world to the people posting them.  For those who are reading, it's a chance to share in life's very real joys, triumphs and trials.  Then, there's the heartache post.  I see them.  Have been tempted to make a few from time to time.

They are ones where it's easy for an outsider to see what's happening and to give sage advice:  heal, move on, but mostly realize that what you thought was there probably wasn't.

When dealing with something as complex as human emotions, it's a wonder any two people in the world ever get together.  You have to be emotionally ready to explore a relationship.  You have to have mutual attraction and desire.  You need basic compatibility.

That's just to have any relationship, of any kind.  Even a bad one.  As you look at the building blocks of a good relationship:  trust, mutual respect, care and concern; it gets difficult to believe that anybody can really have all that.

Then, there's all the personal flaws that derail relationships:  People who have their own issues to work out, which make them a poor fit for others.

The biggest stumbling block?  Seems to be that far more often than not, one person is crazy about the other, and the other person is just not in to the same degree.  That's when the heartbreak happens.

So many "happy couples" I see are really a case of that:  one person emotionally carrying the entire relationship and the other person wanting to keep a good thing, but not being completely invested.  For most people, that's the closest it gets, I fear.  One person gets their dream... the other person settles for a good thing.

I think there are a lot of perfectly functional marriages that work like that.

However, if you're heartbroken, it means that your relationship wasn't perfectly functional.  One of the more productive dating concepts that's come along in recent years is the whole, "he's not that into you" thing.  Of course, SHE may not be that into you, either.  If they aren't jumping into this with you, with both feet, that means you just aren't a priority for them, period.  The rest?  You need to harden your heart, because the rest really doesn't amount to much.

I heard a great quote once:  real love is when both people feel like they're "dating up."  It happens.  It's wonderful to see when it does.

THEN, you can have all that... every last element of it... for years and years and years, and then something changes.  People grow apart sometimes instead of together.  Is that worse?  Who knows.

In the end, it's hard to see.  Harder to go through.  Yet people do.  From the beginning of time they did and they do.  Billions upon billions of people bumping around through life looking for the one person who will give them a sense of home.  Love is just that powerful.

So, for every person going through it, take heart.  It feels like your heartache is the worst thing anybody has ever, ever gone through.  Like you lost the one person you were meant to be with, and if only a few little things had been different, the two of you would be together and happy.

These things are not true, but that's what heartbreak feels like.  The worst is that your heart just doesn't want to accept that the relationship ended because it had to.  It was fatally flawed.  Most of the time, people can put their finger right on the flaw, yet their heart refuses to accept that it couldn't have worked.

I think this is an emotional coping mechanism that is actually a good thing LATER in an established relationship.  It causes the heart to hold on, even through tough times.

But when a relationship ends, that same instinct is the source of most of the pain.  The belief that the relationship was a good one.  If we had only...

The fact is that every relationship is packed with a lot of good times, positive emotion... the reality is that even a failed relationship had a lot of commonality with a good relationship.  You are left thinking, "the good stuff... I wish I didn't have to lose that."  Thing is, you don't.  You can have it again.  With another person, and with any luck, better next time.  Those good times didn't go away.  They're still waiting for you.

You just have to heal.  Aaaaand... it feels like you will never, ever heal.

That isn't true, either.

I don't know a lot about love.  I sure don't know much about relationships.  I just know that hearts heal and they love again.  It takes time.  Sometimes months or even years of painful, painful time.  It happens, though.

It gets better.  Hang in there.  The pain feels like it will last forever, but it never does.

In the end, you do come out the other side.  When you do, you will find more people who are also bumping along, looking for that one person who will make their life feel complete.

You'll be older.  Wiser.  A little gun-shy.  You'll have learned a little bit about what you really need, versus maybe what you merely wanted.  Maybe, the next go-round, it won't be one person crazy in love and another person just content to hang on to a good thing for a while.

Maybe you'll both be dating up.

In the end, you can't make somebody love you.  You can only be someone who deserves to be loved.

The Art of the Stab

I just finished my first weekend of fencing tournaments.  Right now, honestly, I'm a little exhausted.  It wasn't the physical activity so much.  I do more than that pretty much every day in workouts.  But it was tiring... probably mentally as well as physically.

The first event was an "E and under" event in Michigan.  In fencing, you are classified starting as a U (unrated) and then can earn ratings of E through A.  An A level fencer would be a world-class fencer, collegiate varsity fencer, basically somebody with the highest classification.

I am a U, obviously.  So, I figured the E and under tournament would be a good way to fence against people my own level.

The event I fence in is called epee.  There are 3 different fencing events, and in epee, the entire body is a target and you can attempt to score at any time.  The other two events: saber and foil, involve a concept called "right of way" where you can only score at certain times.  They also have limited scoring areas and require special jackets or vests called a "lame" where you have to be touched for it to be a valid score.  A score in fencing is called a "touch" or "touche" the French word, in international competition.

At least so far, a sizeable chunk of people who have seen me fence think I'm actually a saberist who is picking up epee as a second weapon.  The reason for this is that saber is by far the most aggressive of the events, with competitors moving at each other very quickly and points scored very, very quickly.

Half a dozen folks, starting the very first few lessons I took, saw how I wanted to fight and said something along the lines of, "You really, really need to try saber."

Epee involves patience.  Those who are familiar with my level of patience may immediately wonder about the wisdom of me choosing this event.

So, the funniest comment on day one was from a woman who actually was a saberist.  She tore up our pool, and ended up with the #2 seed going into the brackets (called "direct elimination" or DE in tournaments).

Of the pool bouts I lost, I did best against her, losing 5-4.  She was the only person I have ever fenced who was more aggressive than I was.  After the bout, as we shook hands, she asked, "Is this your first weapon?"

"You think I'm a saberist, don't you?" I asked in reply.

Her response was classic, "You ARE a saberist."

I had begun taking baby steps towards learning saber before the weekend.  Trying to find a lame and buying a saber.  (Sabers are the least expensive weapons as far as the weapon, itself.  The lame and mask are the most expensive of all the events, though.)  Now, though, I'm interested to see how it goes.

I watched her fight through the tournament and it was an absolute pleasure.  Basically, she just kept aggressively attacking the entire time.  She didn't end up winning, but went deep and it was just fun to watch her go.

Overall, the tournament went well on Saturday.  I beat the two people I should have in the pools and got dispatched quickly in the Direct Elimination portion.  What was surprising was that almost everybody had no trouble at all dealing with my aggressiveness on the strip.  At least at the clubs prior to this, I could sometimes get a lot of points, or sometimes a win against a better fencer because of my unconventional style.  In the E and under tournament, most of the people I faced were completely unfazed and would just beat me using standard epee tactics.

Sunday's tournament had the same result, but felt much better.  Again, I beat the two people I should have beaten.  Again, I lost in the brackets in my first bout.

The difference, though, was that I was getting touches on everybody in the pools.  I just wasn't getting enough of them.  And the kid I lost to in direct elimination was a D rated fencer.  I actually had him tied at 6-6 (after getting a red card for a non-functioning body cord and thus starting the bout 0-1).  I just felt that although I lost to people I should have lost to, the gap wasn't insurmountable.  I scored a lot of touches.

Plus, I think in some regards, I went in with the attitude that I would have fun and learn from the experience.  And I think I really did.  But I didn't expect to beat the guys who beat me.  Next time, I think I'll probably go in with a more aggressive attitude.

I will probably only do maybe half a dozen tournaments or so all year.  This weekend was an anomaly because I had two of them.  Next weekend, I have a third.

I'm glad to have them all back to back, though.  That way I minimize that time where I'm sitting around thinking, "I learned a lot, there... I can't wait to try the next one."

So, exhausted and need some fencing downtime.  I'll probably open fence at SWORD on Thursday and then off to an E and under tournament in Wadsworth, OH next week.  Though, honestly, I thought the E and under tournament this past weekend was harder than the open tournament.

I should also add, if you're a high school aged young man, this is a sport to go into.  In my pool alone, in the E and under tournament, there were 4 gorgeous young women (all of whom thrashed me rather soundly, I might add).  Lots of cute girls get into this sport.